Isolating yourself? or, MYSELF?

Assalamualaikum all.. :)

hye bloggie, been a month nothing been updated..

too much stories to share but i never had the chance of transforming it into writing it..or should i say, i purposely hid it myself so others would not have known?

i just couldnt sleep..it's 3.49am in the morning..i have to get up early for tomorrow UPG's Ice Breaking to be held at Gunung Ledang..I'm one of the group faci, being selected or should I say someone really wanted to see how my performance is when I am a faci? what ever it is, it does bother me a bit but what the heck?i shouldnt care about that, it's lame! futhermore, it wasnt worth bothering it!

so i end up just do your best, even though i know that i am NOT GOOD compared to other facis.. nevermind, just let it be done naturally from your own ability & never force it just to make other people IMPRESSED of you by your PERFORMANCE..i take that as a positive challenge, a big thanks for that anyway :)

as for the topic, ISOLATING YOURSELF or should I say MYSELF?what is really happening for me to isolate myself from other people? nah, i dont think it does a big matter to other people actually.. nevertheless, my presence arent really important.. i'm kinda MIA you know? that type MISSING IN ACTION? hehehe..

:: she is a loner - but not me! ::

i never had any type of mens rea to do so.. neither it be intention, knowledge, rashness or negligence to my own self.. it would just happen so naturally, sometimes without me realising it..
thinking back, i dont think i am this type of person.. i like to make new friends, mingle with my buddies & mix with other people a lot! i realy do! then how come i am nominated to be the person having the most networking & connection with other SBP & secondary schools in Malaysia when I was in secondary? I am still connected to them! but it maybe a lil bit different as everyone has their own path now..we are getting mature day by day, hours by hours..that make us think further & should have not waste times spending on unnecessary things :)

however, i enjoy having them "AROUND" eventhough they were realistically not there.. :) we text each other sometimes, ym, facebook, friendster and others! that make us connected even though we are actually far apart but are close at heart :)

however, lately i found myself trying to isolate my own self from other people.. there are few persons that i really always wanted them to be AROUND ME..nonetheless, it is my BumbleBIE & my beshfwen Syikin..Once I told my parents, they are my both ears; right & left for every story that some others would not like to listen to..i owe them both a lot ab initio, they have always been there for me :) even though i quarrel with them a lot especially BumbleBIE, but it doesnt really matter as we didnt take long to reunited :) isnt it a process of how you negotiate with people around you? :)

me being isolated? i am never sure about that.. but i might be certain that i am TRYING TO ISOLATE MYSELF.. it is hard for you to find person that can understand you, willing to listen to you in any matters..therefore, when i find them, i should appreciate & never would let them go off.. unless there are barriers that we might never knows..everything is FATED..

seriously speaking, i do not have the exact essence of my writing now.. i just feel like writing..i never had the guts to express my true feelings of the down in my blog..i always try to hid the darkness world..i never wanted people to figure out how lousy, lame, weak i am to others..i hate crying, but that cure me most..silently, secretly cry..nobody could notice, except for BumbleBIE..he knows me quite well, even though our communication take parts ONLY through phone without other fast growing technologies like Facebook, Friendster, YM, MSN, Skype or even 3G! How lame isnt it? yet he knows when i am isolating myself from the world..thank a lot dear :)

me isolating myself has been sometimes, I guess so...nevertheless, i actually appreciate those people who really show their concerns and caring towards me, i am really THANKFUL for that such thoughts..some would ask to be my ears, but i just smiled back :) dont ever get me wrong ya? it is not me not believing or trusting you, but somehow i have to bear with lots of consequences..i am actually such an emotional person, that i cant denied when BumbleBIE proved that to me of being so..i am alert that when i am at the emotional state, i would say recklessly just to let out my sadden feelings..however, i found out that every time i did so (last time) it always happened that it become such a weapon to stabbed behind my back..i do am a secretive person but i never intended to..i enjoy talking and really want to share my thought with others, but how could i make it if most times i try to mouth those, such persons would TURN THEIR BACK and TALKING TO OTHER PERSON which shows that they are actually DO NOT HAVE THE INTENTION TO BEAR WITH ME? at first, i always thought that i might have come across wrong timing, but it always happened to be such..so I should have not think that way anymore but to face the reality of people not bearing with me :)

maybe it is actually the best way for me to isolate myself from others..i mean whether being closely related, or physically or even close at heart..like i used to do when i was in high school perhaps? it is not that i did not want to be in the mixture but somehow your heart is never attached to it so i end up being their ears, so called their counselor or even judge for love matters just because i am neutral! hahaha! :p because, there were lotsa controversies, hidden agendas, provocations and even talk fights! especially girls! can you imagine that? :p

again, i am certain that what am i writing is mostly rubbish..but now i really dont care..as long as i can ease the pain in my heart, i will continue writing even though me having head ache for not having good sleep for tomorrow's hectic day..it's 4.30am currently, which i have 2hours left before i should been busy preparing myself for the event..at such stake, isolating yourself can help you gain your courage, motivations & see whom you really are without surrounding's influence on you..i should have been more motivated that less persons are concern about me, leaving me..i should have not depend on others, not even my BOTH EARS but my own strength..however, i am REALLY PROUD HAVING MY PARENTS FOR ALWAYS SUPPORTING, ADVISING & ENCOURAGING ME for my better future no matter how hard had i been through my life so far..there were quite a lot of bitter times that isolating myself is the most magic medicine that even a PHD specialist can never provide me :)

i never noticed how many times have i typed "ISOLATE" in this entry..can anyone count that for me please? but i have no gift for you though :) i shall think further of my statement..it is not that there is really something i hid, honestly but i never wanted to reveal..i might be coward, say what ever but i know, as for me silence is the better approach..plus, i believe that i REALLY DONT LIKE TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION..it is ok for me to stay low profile, or even worst not letting others noticing me ehehehe.. :)

as for now, i think i should have take a nap for at least 2 hours before i go flat 2morrow :) there are still a lot to shares about my previous activities, events & programs with my friends & colleagues that i havent write about..but i shall say, everything means a lot to me.. :) their presence, the joy & concerns had always make my life colourful.. thanks for your thoughts, FRIENDS..I ALWAYS APPRECIATE THAT SO MUCH AS I WOULD :)

as for my entry, never bother much for such NOT WORTH IT entry written this time :)
but i dont think lots of people (esp my friends) would read my writing :)
so, never be bothered! :)
zai jian, wu an! :)

regards,

njayzack @ isolating herself
mens rea: knowledge
actus reus: undefined
5.20 am